I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
