I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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