I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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