Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
