Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
In America we eat man semen.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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