Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
