that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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