Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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