I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
