Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Randomize
