How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
