Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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