Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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