connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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