I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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