Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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