She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
