shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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