I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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