bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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