Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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