I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
