so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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