you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
