I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
