I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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