I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
