life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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