I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
