my phone needs a breathalizer
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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