I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
