I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
