Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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