my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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