Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
