Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
