I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
