i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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