Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
