Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
