Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
