sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize