So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
