I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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