I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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