yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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