dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
