i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
