There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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