I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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