he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
