i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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