Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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