forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
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he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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