This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
