Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
